Missing Out

Salve Readers (That's Latin for Greetings, Hello, Salutations that kind of thing, I am being nerdy),

I hope everyone is having an awesome weekend. My weekend has been a wild ride that is for sure. Work always gets me all worked up but God is teaching me patience, so I will take the lesson. It's not an easy one to learn because I have a bit of a temper but it's one I need. So I endure this trail, because I will come out that much stronger.

Today was my church's anniversary picnic. 19 years! My church has been around for 19 wonderful years and I am happy to be with them for 12 of those years. I do love my church, it's a great group of people with the best Pastors at the helm. Pardon my squee moment, I just really do love my church and it's hard to contain at times. Anyways, every August we have a picnic to celebrate another year, and it's full of fun, tasty food and fellowship. Lately, I have been kind of a hermit, so I hated going. I have had the opinion as of late that I don't matter, I am insignificant to these people, and honestly, was so hurt by some I just closed myself off. It was easier than putting myself back out there and getting hurt all over again. I don't deal well with pain and I didn't want anymore. In my selfish mind, I had been hurt enough and if anyone was missing me, or wanted to talk to me, they could seek me out. That is seriously not the right train of thought.

I am not going to lie, I kind of have a woe is me attitude toward things. When I get hurt or offended I tend to retreat and close myself off. I don't want to put myself back out there because I don't want to get hurt. What person in their right mind wants to get hurt on purpose? I don't think anyone truly does. The worst part is I closed myself off because of hurts and the person who hurt me probably doesn't even know they did it. So I just cut them out of my life and they have no idea why, which is probably why they didn't ever seek me out. I took the totally wrong approach to the whole thing. I am sure you are wondering how I stumbled onto this, and I will explain.

At the picnic today, I had a good talk with friends I've known since i started at the church. Those girls and I have been through thick and thin together. However as of late I had cut myself off because I just didn't feel important to them, and various other reasons. I figured why bother? They don't want anything to do with me obviously? What kicked me out of this funk was hearing about their lives. Things that I had missed out on, opportunity for laughter and talks and just getting to know these two awesome women. Yes we have had our differences and we all have a lot of personality and different views but that's what makes our friendships so fun. We each bring something different to the table and it makes for a fun and exciting time. Like I said because of hurts and offenses I just shut them out and as I sat there and listened to them talk, I felt so sad. I also felt rather stupid because I let myself get to that point. Yes there will be hard times in friendships, if everything was easy it wouldn't be fun or anything special, but I believe every friendship is special in it's own way. The hits kept on coming when I was talking to my best guy friend, we've been friends for 12 long years and our friendship survived a lot, even long distance. This guy is a dear dear friend, and hard to take at times (he does know I love him anyway) but again I let myself close him out. I learned about his life and felt so embarrassed and like the world's worst friend for not keeping up. I was severely slacking as a friend. So it's no surprise that I felt like I had no friends lately....I was shutting them all out. ME, not them, ME.

For the longest time I was bemoaning my lack of friends and here the answer was staring me right in the face. I was the problem. We get hurt in life, whether it's intentional or not, it happens. When that happens we have two choices, we either face the hurt head on and deal with it, or we let it fester and make us bitter thus cutting people off and only hurting ourselves more. I am totally guilty of the second one. It was to the point where I would get upset when they didn't seek me out. I wanted people to make an effort to see me. In my mind i figured if I was important to them they would seek me out. Again this is the wrong way to think about things. If my friends didn't know that I was hurt by them and I suddenly cut them out, why would they come seek me out? They probably wouldn't thinking I want to be left alone or I may have hurt them in the process.

Dear readers, It's time for us, me included, to stop hiding from the world. I have friends who need me, and they may not know it but they do and I need them. I like to think of this imagery: Swords. If they don't get used they are useless, but in order to make them sharp and a worthy weapon of a knight they need to be sharpened. To be the best version of myself, God gave me friends to help sharpen me. Yes we may bicker and fit but we sharpen each other. We challenge each other and through those challenges we learn and we grow. Whether we want to admit it or not we need each other. I don't know about you but I am tired of being lonely, even though God is always with me, I also want to be the best possible version of myself. I want to be in the lives of those awesome friends of mine. I know you have friends that you think that way about. We all have hurts but the true challenge is forgiving and moving on. Don't let it hold you back. You have something to offer to any friendship you encounter, so go sharpen those other swords =) Yes that sounds cheesy and kind of weird but I am sure you get it.

God never intended for us to walk this earth alone. He made friendships to help us grow, and deal with the various trials of life. You were not meant to go through these trials by fire alone, and I for one don't want to. I know I have thrown a lot for you to think about. It was definitely a mind bender for me and I am honestly thankful for the revelation. Now my task is getting together with these friends and reforming those friendships. I need my friends. So think about a friendship that is lacking, and if you don't, then you are doing awesome. But if you do, reflect on it and see what you can do to open yourself up. You will get hurt again but you will overcome it, just like I will.

Blessings!!,
Nicol